Review: Colors

Colors is a game that was made for the Gizmondo handheld device, a portable gaming system made by a company in Florida that installed floors into houses and offices. The Gizmondo was really awesome. It took five minutes to turn on, overheated all the time, and had no good games at all. It was sold exclusively by mailorder and in ten hidden mall kiosks throughout North America that required a potential customer to push a series of crates to reveal. It sold for something stupid like $400, and then the CEO of the company crashed his million dollar stolen Enzo, and then the entire company just kind of disappeared after two months.

The Gizmondo's only killer app was Colors which, despite being a (mostly) finished game, never quite made it to the mall kiosks, because Gizmondo's distribution center forgot how to ship things. In this exclusive Lost Levels review, we take a look at Gizmondo's GTA-killer, and review it accordingly.

Here is a guy that I can shoot, with my gun.

Oh no, the fuzz! I'm busted! Off to the slammer for me.

Luckily, our hero is used to jail, because he's just that tough! We're going to have to get out of here somehow, the game suggests talking to the other inmates.

I share a cell with three guys. One of them is fat, and I don't like fat people, so I'm going to ignore him. Let's start with the guy on the left.

Ricky Knox can get me out of here for twenty thousand dollars.

I DON'T PLAY GAMES RICKY KNOX. Let's try the guy on the right.

Moose can help me bribe the cops for seven thousand dollars. I don't know how he expects me to walk around with that much cash in jail, but I didn't grow up on the streets, so I do not know of the ways of colors.

FUCK YOU MOOSE. One guy left.

James Earl Wyatt can get me out of jail, but it involves raping my butt.

Well, I could say no, but then I'd have to talk to Moose and Ricky Knox again, and that would be embarrassing. I guess it's sodomy for me.


And now it's loading the sodomy minigame!

Oh, my mistake. I'm in the hospital now, because I guess the jail doesn't actually have an infirmary. And hey, I'm out of jail! I've traded my anal virginity for freedom.

Overall, I give Colors five Gamepro exploding faces out of five. It presents a disturbingly accurate portrayal of prison life, and would have taught us all a little something about ourselves. Surely it would have saved the Gizmondo, if only someone had given it the chance. As it stands, we've been robbed of videogames' first jail sodomy, and the first time that a player's avatar has been allowed to commit an act of prostitution. Well, except for Fallout 2.

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