My name is T.RedEye, but it's really not. Mickey said my real name was one character too long, so he made me change it. He suggested Bamboo.7, but I had to decline. I wasn't allowed to decline the cowboy hat, though. Mickey's real particular about how we dress.
Oh, I'm sorry. I should probably explain my relationship with Mickey Mouse. Not many people know this about me, but I'm actually an extremely valuable member of the Magic Kingdom Adventure Staff. I'm usually called upon to sit in private meetings with Mickey and his chief advisors and carry out various critical tasks, such as replacing the toilet paper in Mickey's Golden Throne, shining his oversized novelty shoes, and sucking him off after a hard day's work. It's not a bad gig, really. They give me free admission to the park in return, and once in a while I'll get to accompany Mickey as a bodyguard during his crazy nightlife adventures. Oh, the things I've seen. One time we were at this club, and this dude was eyeing one of Mickey's girls. I got up to tell him what's what, but Mickey pressed one of his gigantic gloved hands firmly on my chest, indicating that he wanted to handle this situation himself.
"Hey, you like what you see, asshole?" he asked, in his characteristic squeaky voice. The dude starts backing away. He's all like, "No, no. Sorry, Mickey." Mickey's notorious in this town. They've all heard the stories. They all end the same way. This one is no different. So Mickey gets up and smashes his $50 scotch glass against a counter and...oh, sorry, I'm getting sidetracked. So anyway.
Today didn't start off much differently. Upon entering the park, I was pulled aside by a security guard who led me to the secret entrance to Mickey's underground fortress. It's right under that flowery portrait of Mickey at the park's entrance, go check it out some time. I walked in just in time for the beginning of the meeting. I was fortunate. Things got nasty the first and final time I was late, about three years ago. I've still got the scars to prove it.
He was addressing me, of course. I'm always the go-to guy for shit like this.
And so the adventure began...